70 www.rnca.ca What children learn from living in an abusive home • They learn to keep secrets. They are told from a young age not to tell anyone about what is said or what happens in the home. They are often threatened with physical harm if they talk, and some are told they will be taken away from their parents if they tell. "Don’t tell anyone – it’s family business!" is the message that comes through loud and clear in abusive or dysfunctional homes. • They learn that violence is an acceptable way to solve disagreements or get what they want. Boys grow up thinking it is a man’s right to keep his wife in line, even if it includes violence. • They learn that abuse is normal. Children who grow up in abusive homes believe the myth that all families experience abuse. Girls grow up believing it is normal for them to suffer abuse from their boyfriends or husbands. • They learn not to trust people. Children grow up believing they will be hurt by people who claim to love them, so they build a wall of selfprotection from painful relationships. • They learn to take on additional responsibilities to protect their parent and siblings who are being abused. They work hard to keep the peace and pacify the abuser. Children often feel guilty and blame themselves for violence in the home. They believe the lie that if they were better children their father would not get upset and become violent. Divorce is traumatic for children because it rips the family apart. Abuse in the home is even more damaging than divorce because it places the child at risk, promotes violence as a way of solving problems, and repeats the cycle of abuse in future families. Everyone in an abusive family is wounded – the abuser during childhood, the victim at present and the children for a lifetime! As long as abuse continues, we are setting children up for a life of destructive patterns and failed marriages. www.focusonthefamily.ca The impact of family violence on children continued
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