39 www.rnca.ca AreYou Missing the Signs of Gaslighting? continued Emily and David: Denying Reality David often interrupts Emily, dismisses her feelings or tells her she's "overreacting" to things. Emily: I feel like you don't listen to me when I'm talking. You cut me off or tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do. It makes me feel like what I have to say isn’t important to you. David: What are you talking about? I always listen to you. I have no idea what you mean. Why this is gaslighting: By denying his behavior, David is making Emily doubt her memory and experiences. By pretending he never behaved this way, David avoids taking responsibility. Emily may feel like her concerns aren’t important, start to question her own perceptions and wonder if she's imagining things. There is a healthy way to argue and disagree as a couple. While gaslighting can be a sign of an abusive partner, it can also be a sign of a partner who hasn’t learned healthy communication styles. If you talk to your partner about how their gaslighting makes you feel, and your partner is open to change and shows change over time, it’s far less likely they’re abusive. Things Abusers Do When They’re Gaslighting • Convince you your memory isn’t the best • Accuse you of having no sense of humor • Make hurtful jokes or insensitive, harsh remarks • Answer, “That never happened, you’re imagining it” • Call you “ill,” “fragile,” “paranoid” or “weak” • Constantly forget the sequence of events that occurred • Ask, “Why would you get upset over something so dumb” • Say, “I didn’t say anything, you must be hearing things” • Claim you aren’t remembering things correctly • Tell you you’re overreacting • Dismiss your feelings and concerns as unimportant • Pretend they don’t understand what you said • Reply, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” • Shut you down when you try to confront their behavior • Avoid your concerns saying, “Let’s talk about that later” • Ask, “Why can’t you just get over it?” • Accuse you of being too emotional or sensitive • Downplay negative experiences saying it “wasn’t that bad” www.domesticshelters.org
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