37 www.rnca.ca AreYou Missing the Signs of Gaslighting? continued Jakob and Daniel: Lying About True Events Jakob promised to clean their apartment before the weekend. It’s Saturday morning and he hasn’t done anything. Daniel: What’s going on? You said you would have the apartment clean by now. Jakob: I don't remember saying that I'd clean the apartment. You must be imagining things. Why this is gaslighting: Jakob is manipulating Daniel, so Daniel feels like he’s the wrong one. Over time, Daniel may become so confused and doubtful that he stops trusting his memories. Elena and Mateo: Refusing to Communicate Over the year that Elena and Mateo have been living together, Mateo has been taking over more control of Elena’s finances. He manages their money, gives her a small amount and criticizes the way she spends money. Elena: I’m not comfortable with how you’re handling our money. I want to have more say. Mateo: Speaking of money, did you see that new phone that just came out? We should totally get it. It has a bigger screen, more memory and a way better camera. Elena: This is important. Can we please go back to the money issue? Mateo: I have a really important meeting tomorrow, and I need to focus. Can we just drop it for now? Why this is gaslighting: Mateo's behavior is a form of financial abuse, and he keeps changing the subject each time Elena brings up his abusive tactics. By shutting down the conversation, he avoids having to address Elena’s concerns. She may feel that she can’t share her opinions about their finances. He is increasing the power imbalance. Leesa and Marc: Avoiding Accountability Leesa is upset because her partner, Marc, makes negative comments about her weight, her clothes and her hair. Leesa: It really hurts my feelings when you criticize my appearance. Could you please stop? Marc: I was just kidding around! Can't you take a joke? Marc turns up the volume on the TV. Why this is gaslighting: Marc is implying that Leesa’s feelings are not legitimate. She may start to question her own feelings and wonder if he is right about her not being able to take a joke. With this tactic, Mark avoids being accountable for his behavior and maintains control in the relationship. He may continue to gaslight and his abuse may get worse. continued
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