35 www.rnca.ca AreYou Missing the Signs of Gaslighting? continued Maria and Carlos: Shutting Down Maria and Carlos have been married for several years. Carlos controls Maria's social life, dictating who she can spend time with and getting angry when she makes plans without him. Maria: I feel suffocated when you try to control who I see and what I do. I need to have some independence. Carlos: I don't understand what you mean. I just want what's best for you. Maria: It's not about you wanting the best for me. It's about you not respecting my need to have my own friends and activities. Carlos: Here we go again. You're always twisting things around. I'm not going to argue about this. Carlos gets up and walks out of the room. Why this is gaslighting: Carlos maintains control by refusing to take part in a meaningful discussion. By pretending not to understand and shutting down the conversation, Carlos doesn’t have to acknowledge his controlling behavior. Maria feels like her concerns are not valid. Sarah and Ben: False Concern as Manipulation Sarah and Ben are figuring out where to go for dinner. Sarah: Maybe we could go to that new Thai restaurant I’ve been wanting to try. Ben: Oh, I don't know. I'm not really in the mood for Thai. Wouldn’t you rather have pizza? I just don't want you to feel disappointed if you don't like that Thai place. Sarah: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. We can totally get pizza. It was just a suggestion. I'm sorry. Why this is gaslighting: Ben is using fake concern for Sarah's happiness to manipulate her into changing her idea. When he acts like he is concerned, she questions her own desires and feels like she needs to apologize for them. Over time, Sarah may constantly secondguess herself. She may feel like her opinions and preferences don't matter and stop speaking up or making suggestions, even about small things. Alexandra and Christina: Distorting Reality Alexandra and Christina had a huge argument. The next day, they have this conversation. Alexandra: I was really upset last night when you were yelling at me and slamming doors. Christina: You're exaggerating. I wasn't yelling, and I only closed the door a bit firmly, if that. You're always making a big deal out of nothing. Why this is gaslighting: Christina is distorting Alexandra’s perception of reality and making her question her memories and feelings. Over time, Alexandra may doubt her judgment, and depend on Christina to define what’s “real.” continued
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