POLICE ASSOCIATION OF NOVA SCOTIA 111 mood swings can be frustrating for parents especially when their offers of sympathy or helpful suggestions are rebuffed. Parents can avoid overreacting if they understand that these unhappy moods are not directed at them personally. Self-Centredness –– Teens are often preoccupied with themselves, a common characteristic of people under stress. They assume that everyone around them is focused on them too. Because of this increased selfconsciousness, teens feel they are always “on stage,” and can spend hours in front of a mirror grooming themselves. It is important for parents to see self-centredness, not as a disregard for others, but as a form of psychological self-protection. Teens have fragile egos. Parents can be helpful by giving their teens tactful grooming tips and by encouraging them to look beyond themselves in some way –– perhaps by joining an interest group or taking up a new sport of hobby. Aggressiveness and Showing Off –– Teens often mask their insecurity about their social roles, or about how they “rate” with their peers by acting in rowdy or aggressive ways. Perhaps they feel the best defence is offence! Talking loudly, pushing and shoving each other, driving too fast or generally being unruly when in a group in public and typical ways they show off. At home, showing off takes the form of “talking back” to parents. Challenging and contradicting are ways to establish who “I am” really is. At this point teens need adults around them who can keep their cool in the face of teenage know-it-all posturing. Argumentativeness –– Teens are developing intellectually and testing their mental powers. That’s why parents often find themselves in frequent arguments with their teens. Parents may be earnestly trying to get a point across but teens may simply be arguing for the sake of arguing. Parents would be better off listening to their teens than trying to win the debate. Listening doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing. Although it may be tempting to use arguments as an opportunity to “set them straight,” a parent’s role is to be a sounding board rather than an adversary. Teens have to learn how to think things through for themselves. They are more likely to do so when their pride is not on the line in winning an argument. When their emotions are intense, teens are not much inclined to listen to reason anyway. Criticizing parents –– Teens often accuse parents of being hopelessly out of touch, out of style and old-fashioned. Teens are terribly sensitive to and easily embarrassed by their parents’ looks or dress or by what their parents say, especially in front of their friends. As a result, they my be reluctant to be seen with their parents. Parents should not be offended, for example, when teens ask to be dropped off a block away from school. They are only trying to avoid the appearance of dependency. When parents understand their children’s need to look grown up in their eyes of their peer group, they’ll see why it is wiser to laugh about rather than resent their teens’ view of them as “dinosaurs” or “antiques.” What Teens Need from Their Parents Teenage behaviour is not always easy to live with. Learning to accept –– though not necessarily condone –– “typical” behaviour –– especially the aggressive type, –– at a manageable level, so that it doesn’t escalate into violence or become self-defeating for their teenagers. Parents who lose their tempers or withdraw in despair can make things worse. Mothers and fathers can help their teens by establishing what behaviour is or is not acceptable in the home. Decide what you really care about and put your energy into enforcing the rules that are really important. As for the rest, ignore what you can reasonably tolerate for the sake of your teen’s growth. Otherwise, you will likely find yourself in continual confrontations that may end in a painful rift. Help Ease the Tension: Express concerns. But don’t condemn your teens. Teens need parents who can stand firm in the face of their inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour. Parents’ responses should be in the form of opinions and observations –– not judgment s and condemnation. Whatever their doubts, parent should always express confidence that things will get better. Stay interested. Keep up with your teens’ activities and friends by try not to pry into their lives. Don’t be hurt if your teens don’t confide in you, but spend hours on the telephone sharing secrets with their friends. Respect your teens’ need for privacy. Be alert to your teens’ sensitivities. Teens don’t usually have the self-confidence to laugh at themselves. They can react quite badly to teasing and jokes at their expense. It is important to be aware of the messages you are continued...
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